Credit: Eurovision

Well, the real winners of Eurovision 2022 according to myself at least…

I loved Eurovision this year and have watched it on and off since I was a kid. So I have my own thoughts as to who should have won, and while I thought Ukraine deserved to win, I might not have given them my 12 points, you know? But don’t get the wrong idea, this isn’t a response to Ukraine winning (controversial as it seems to be), rather a response to the U.K getting second place! Who in their right mind thought the U.K.’s entrant was good? Now that I’ve got a few of you riled up, let’s take a look who I believe to be the winners of Eurovision 2022.

San Marino (Achille Lauro) – 1 point

Controversial start here maybe, but they deserve at least one point for being as bat shit crazy as they could be. Had the vocal performance been stronger, maybe this shock rocker would have gone through to the next round, but I still doubt it. Showmanship alone earns them this point, and it wasn’t a boring ballad. I at least remember this one rather than a few others that did quite well (ahem, Azerbaijan), but that’s shock rock for you, often all style with little substance. Is it good? I don’t think so, but I find it captivating nonetheless. It was more interesting than Italy’s entrant let’s put it that way.

Latvia (Citi Zēni) – 2 points

How did Latvia not get through to the finals? You might hear this a lot on the lower end of this list, and some I understand more than others (San Marino, I get it, that’s a tough sell). But this disco inspired tune is right up Eurovision’s alley. High energy, good vibes, and great showmanship. It shouldn’t have won Eurovision, but it should, and could, have replaced an act in the finals (Switzerland maybe? Am I too mean to the ballads?).

Spain (Chanel) – 3 points

A favourite this year for sure but when I heard that they had written this song originally for Jennifer Lopez and she declined it, I couldn’t help but think, “yeah, that sounds about right.” It sounds like a JLo album track, rather than a hit single. But what do I know, they did really well this year. What took it to the next level was the performance itself, which was stellar, but the song doesn’t hit as hard for me as it did others. Also, Chanel is no JLo unfortunately, but then again, who is?

Israel (Michael Ben David) – 4 points

This deserved to go through to the final more than Romania’s comparable entry. Granted, the Romanian entry has a catchier hook which is likely why they got through rather than Israel. But the production on the David’s song is stronger and his presence onstage is electrifying. Plus, he’s got some pipes! Plenty of energy to spare with all the highs you’d expect a winning Eurovision candidate.

Australia (Sheldon Riley) – 5 points

Sheldon Riley’s outfits were spectacular this weekend and so was his delightful attitude. If this wasn’t a ballad, I might like it more, but to be fair, it is probably the best of the ballads this year. I can’t deny my Australian bias here, but his vocal performance was powerful and emotional in a way that didn’t seem fabricated like a few other entries. He has the voice and the emotion ready to go and I can’t wait to see where he goes after this.

Moldova (Zdob si Zdub & Advahov Brothers) – 6 points

Honestly, I could put this at the top of the list. I just love this song. It’s purely my Balkan heritage showing here, but I love the folk sound of a folk inspired accordion on this track. It’s fun, has an interesting arrangement, and honestly just bloody slaps hard. “Folklore and rock n roll” indeed.

Sweden (Cornelia Jakobs) – 7 points

Sweden is always so good at Eurovision, aren’t they? How could they not be? They spawned the Eurovision group, ABBA. This song had a real chance of being boring, but Cornelia’s vocals take it to another level. That raspiness in her voice, *chills*. It gives me Robyn vibes in the best way possible. I thought fourth place for them was about right, hence their placement here. Good job jury and television voters on this one.

Serbia (Konstrakta) – 8 points

Again, my Balkan bias is shining through, but I wasn’t alone on this one. It was perhaps the weirdest song that wasn’t just weird for the sake of weird (cough Norway). There was something being said here about religion and its place in your personal health, which is more substance than most of the Eurovision entrants. The almost spoken word, beat poem-like delivery was refreshing in a horde of power ballads and dance numbers. A great song.

Ukraine (Kalush Orchestra) – 10 points

Ukraine deserved to win, no doubt. It’s a catch-22 situation as no matter where Ukraine landed it would inevitably be embroiled in the ongoing conflict against Russia. Did they deserve it on merit alone? I think so, but you can’t deny the context has had an effect on television voters. That context does elevate the song, but even without it, it’s a beautiful song about one of the member’s mothers that is heart wrenching regardless. Again, I love the mix of traditional folk music with contemporary styles which is an arrangement that really shined this year.

Lithuania (Monika Liu) – 12 points

Don’t hate me I just love this song. It is currently living rent free in my head right now so maybe in a few weeks this song wouldn’t be as high, or it cements itself in my conscience and stays here. I just love that it doesn’t sound like a typical Eurovision song but still encapsulates what Eurovision is. It also sounds like a James Bond theme and that’s not a bad thing. A beautiful voice, stunning arrangements, and a great hook? Is that not Eurovision?

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